One of the first questions clients tend to ask following discovery of an affair is “why did my partner cheat?” Often they will already have asked their partner the same question, but the answer doesn’t make any sense to them, or doesn’t seem a good enough explanation. It can be a very difficult question to answer – we can talk about the reasons people often give for cheating, and we can look at the research, but that won’t necessarily tell us why a particular person was unfaithful at a particular time. Sometimes the client never gets an explanation that makes sense.
Relationship counsellor Sara Davies
Many people begin an affair as a way of fulfilling a need that is not met within their marriage – examples include a desire for greater intimacy or a longing for the excitement of a new romance. Some experts argue that the other woman or man in an adulterous relationship meets needs that are not met within the marriage, but that men and women cheat for different reasons.
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston claims that ”The No.1, 2 and 3 reasons for men relate to sex. A woman cheats for the most part as a last resort. She has tried everything, her complaints have fallen on deaf ears and she feels as if she has no other alternative.”
In research interviews with unfaithful spouses the most common reasons men give for cheating are:
- more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)
- sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex)
- opportunistic sex (taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught)
- to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific woman)
- a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it’s a man’s prerogative to cheat).
These results might suggest that men who cheat have sexless marriages, but other studies show this to be very far from the truth, revealing that the majority of people who cheat also have a good sex life within their marriage.
The most common reasons women give for cheating include:
- a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy (someone caring who they can confide in and bond with on an emotional level)
- a desire for attention (wanting be the centre of a man’s attention again)
- to reaffirm her desirability and attractiveness
- to re-experience feelings of romance
- a desire to feel ‘special’.
Numerous research studies support these findings. In one study, 75% to 80% of the men who admitted to having extramarital affairs said that sex was the primary reason. Only 20% of the woman who were having extramarital affairs said they did so for purely sexual reasons.
Types of affairs
Some relationship experts have suggested that affairs can be divided into four main types:
- The boat-rocking affair – this happens when one spouse feels dissatisfied with their relationship. The affair is an unconscious way of bringing things out into the open and triggering change.
- The exit affair – this occurs when one spouse has decided on some level to leave the relationship. Rather than confront the fact that a relationship isn’t working, their affair forces the issue.
- The thrill affair – some people find the illicit nature of an affair and the accompanying adrenaline rush almost irresistible. They pursue affairs to experience the excitement of sex with someone new and the intense romantic feelings of a fresh relationship.
- The three’s company affair – this sort of affair may go on for many years, although sometimes it is used to describe a string of successive affairs. Some people find it difficult to commit completely to one relationship. They may feel stifled by monogamy or fear putting all their emotional eggs in one basket. Having a third person on the scene gives them an outlet for difficult emotions and sometimes also a ‘safety net’ if things go wrong.
Sara Davies again: “Sometimes it can be helpful to learn about other people’s experiences, to know we’re not the only ones going through a difficult time. Research can also be useful in helping to understand more about the causes of affairs, however, every relationship is unique and made up of two unique individuals, each with their own needs, strengths and limitations. What happens following an affair, how each member of the couple copes, and whether the relationship survives (and if so, in what form), is also unique to each couple.”
